I Think I Should Focus on Original Fiction Again
That's not to say I don't still love the characters. I need to restore my list of why I love Kent's route. I have felt the need to defend Barris and Lucien a lot lately, even Van and Aiji for various reasons. My heart broke to hear so many negative opinions on Natsuki/Kagiha. I am so tired of the popularity of certain toxic archetypes. I want to fight about them. (Hence the social media ban.)
I have been circling back to this for a while now, and I hid from it over and over again, since I don't have any readers for my original fiction.
When I first made the jump back from fanfic to original fic, I was almost completely disenchanted by all my fandoms. I felt like I'd been let down by several of them, I was worn out being the only one producing content for my ships, and I was hurting from some negativity in the fandom itself.
I was also on a post Nano high, and I had myself convinced that my ability to complete it meant I could really do this writing thing.
(It was a lie, but that's another matter entirely.)
One of the other things that let me think I could do it was that I had an audience for my original fiction. I was writing scenes and emailing them to a couple online friends, sisters, and they gave me feedback for nearly every scene. It was wonderful.
They stopped talking to me years ago. I understand why. I'm insecure and annoying. I do know this about myself.
And not long after they stopped talking to me started my period of "I can't finish anything." It was also the black hole of time where I stopped publishing (it lasted four years until I finally put something in print print two years ago. Since then I put two others in print... and then nothing.)
So since they stopped talking to me, I have finished one original novel. It is dark and not one I want published under my name.
I have been trying to get back into publishing for months. Can't seem to find time.
Still, the more I feel like I'm not needed or wanted in fandom, the more I feel like people hate my stories for the characters, the more I feel like I should go back to focusing on original fiction.
I am terrified of doing it without a reader. I won't lie. I am.
And yet I think it is the only way. I have to clean up the incomplete fanfics I have and just cut ties. I just keep getting worse with these feelings of being out of place, and it hurts. I might be alone where I am with original fiction, but that would be by choice, not by the sense that no one in fandom likes me or my writing.
So... yes... I must work myself up to it, but I'm going to do it. No more fanfic.
I have been circling back to this for a while now, and I hid from it over and over again, since I don't have any readers for my original fiction.
When I first made the jump back from fanfic to original fic, I was almost completely disenchanted by all my fandoms. I felt like I'd been let down by several of them, I was worn out being the only one producing content for my ships, and I was hurting from some negativity in the fandom itself.
I was also on a post Nano high, and I had myself convinced that my ability to complete it meant I could really do this writing thing.
(It was a lie, but that's another matter entirely.)
One of the other things that let me think I could do it was that I had an audience for my original fiction. I was writing scenes and emailing them to a couple online friends, sisters, and they gave me feedback for nearly every scene. It was wonderful.
They stopped talking to me years ago. I understand why. I'm insecure and annoying. I do know this about myself.
And not long after they stopped talking to me started my period of "I can't finish anything." It was also the black hole of time where I stopped publishing (it lasted four years until I finally put something in print print two years ago. Since then I put two others in print... and then nothing.)
So since they stopped talking to me, I have finished one original novel. It is dark and not one I want published under my name.
I have been trying to get back into publishing for months. Can't seem to find time.
Still, the more I feel like I'm not needed or wanted in fandom, the more I feel like people hate my stories for the characters, the more I feel like I should go back to focusing on original fiction.
I am terrified of doing it without a reader. I won't lie. I am.
And yet I think it is the only way. I have to clean up the incomplete fanfics I have and just cut ties. I just keep getting worse with these feelings of being out of place, and it hurts. I might be alone where I am with original fiction, but that would be by choice, not by the sense that no one in fandom likes me or my writing.
So... yes... I must work myself up to it, but I'm going to do it. No more fanfic.
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